| GREG-STRANGE.COM |
"If you haven't found something strange during the
day, it hasn't been much of a day." -- John A. Wheeler
day, it hasn't been much of a day." -- John A. Wheeler
PROVIDING SUBSTANTIVE COMMENTARY ON THE
PEOPLE, POLITICS, EVENTS AND ABSURDITIES OF
OUR TIME. SERVED UP WITH ACERBIC WIT, YOU
SHOULD FIND IT QUITE SATISFYING.
PEOPLE, POLITICS, EVENTS AND ABSURDITIES OF
OUR TIME. SERVED UP WITH ACERBIC WIT, YOU
SHOULD FIND IT QUITE SATISFYING.
All The Jihadi News Fit To Distort
Like something out of an absurd “Saturday Night Live” skit
designed to elicit belly laughs from a modern, cynically savvy
audience, al-Qaeda recently debuted its first video “newscast”
over the Internet. Funny thing is, it wasn’t actually trying to be
funny. Calling itself the “Voice of the Caliphate,” it featured an
“anchorman” who wore a black ski mask and an ammunition
belt. Near his right hand was a copy of the Koran and there was
a rifle affixed to a tripod pointing at the camera.
In most conventional newscasts such menacing
accouterments and unflattering garb would be no-no’s, but this
broadcast wasn’t being run on the basis of advice from slick
media consultants or focus group research. This was al-Qaeda
(purportedly, we should note), raw and uncensored, reaching
out to the jihadi faithful via the wonders of infidel technology.
Even the folks at Al Jazeera, who have faithfully served as al-
Qaeda’s journalistic apologists, had to be laughing at the
absurdity of this insane broadcast. Despite psychological
defense mechanisms such as denial and cognitive dissonance,
the question simply has to pass through their minds: Can a
culture or a civilization that spawns something this
unintentionally absurd and self-destructive possibly make it in
a modern, globally competitive 21st century world or is it
doomed to extinction as surely as was the dodo bird?
It is truly one of the towering questions of our time. In any
event, broadcasting to the world live via infidel technology, a
new era of broadcast journalism has been born. Let’s look at a
few choice excerpts from the divinely-inspired 16-minute
broadcast.
The Global Media Front presents to you: “Sout Al-Khalifa”
(The Voice of the Caliphate). In the name of Allah, the
merciful, the compassionate. The headlines of this news
summary: Gaza has been liberated -- a great victory, yet a
weighty responsibility. In Iraq, Abu Mus’ab Al-Zarqawi
declares a war of Sunni Vengeance, and Hurricane Katrina is
the beginning of the divine, just punishment.
Apparently, the Voice of the Caliphate isn’t fully clued in to
the journalistic concept of accuracy. A “great victory in
Gaza?” Here’s a more accurate newsflash. The “great victory
in Gaza” was nothing of the sort. Israel wasn’t defeated in
battle or driven out, it simply decided that it wasn’t worth the
trouble to hang on to the contentious, 146-square-mile chunk
of terrorist terrain it had held since the ’67 war. But if al-
Qaeda wants to persist in calling this a “great victory,” then
let’s extrapolate into the future a bit to see how long it might
take to free all Muslim lands from Zionist occupation.
Given that it took 38 years to liberate an area of 146 square
miles (which, to put it into perspective, is roughly one eighth
the size of Rhode Island), then at that rate of liberation the
Golan Heights, the West Bank and, of course, the ultimate prize
of Israel itself, will all be in Arab hands in approximately 2,800
years or thereabouts.
So, while the rest of humanity will have expanded its
scientific knowledge at an exponential rate and in 2,800 years
will be zipping around the galaxy like the Jetsons, the
Flintstonian jihadists will have finally regained control of
about 11,000 square miles of sacred sand, Allah willing. But
anyway, congratulations, guys. We’re all sure you’re going to
do great things with the newly “liberated” Gaza Strip.
In other news:
The entire Islamic world overflowed with joy when
Hurricane Katrina struck in America, which seemed to reel
from the strength of the hurricane . . . Broken and completely
humiliated, George Bush . . . announced his obvious
incapability to deal with the wrath of Allah that visited the
city of homosexuals.
This really gets confusing. Did Allah trash New Orleans in
order to humiliate the Great Satan America, or to humiliate
George Bush for invading a Muslim country, or because New
Orleans is crawling with iniquitous homosexuals, or all of the
above? I didn’t even know New Orleans was the “city of
homosexuals,” did you? I thought it was the city of jazz, Mardi
Gras and Creole cuisine. Granted, no one should be surprised
to see a few flamboyant types sashaying around the French
Quarter, but this appellation of the “city of homosexuals” is
new. Perhaps to al-Qaeda’s way of thinking, any city where
homosexuals live openly without fear of execution is a “city of
homosexuals.”
In other weather related news:
While Louisiana is trying to recover from the aftermath of
Hurricane Katrina, another hurricane fiercely struck the state
of North Carolina . . . but so far there have been no casualties
or significant damage . . . We hope that Allah will humiliate
America with this hurricane to make it a lesson for whoever
wants to listen.
I guess Allah was feeling especially merciful and
compassionate that day since America wasn’t particularly
humiliated. And why not? He’s got all the time in the world to
destroy all the infidels, so what’s the hurry? True believers
must be a patient lot after these 14 centuries of Islam, serene in
the faith that, even though much of the Islamic world
continues to fall further and further behind the rest of
humanity’s progress, it’s all part of Allah’s unfathomable but
glorious plan. Whatever floats their boat.
Turning to news from the front lines:
We now move on to the occupied land, to the land of the
Caliphate, the glorious land of Iraq. The American wolves
have desecrated our women’s honor in Tel’afar and other
Sunni cities . . . The valiant hero, the Emir of Al-Qaeda in
Iraq, Abu Mus’ab Al-Zarqawi, rose to defend the honor of the
pure Muslim women in the robbed land of Iraq.
Is this really what it’s all about for the “valiant hero”
Zarqawi, defending the “honor of the pure Muslim women?”
How many pure Muslim women out there would consider it a
bargain to be under the sway of this psycho who chops off heads
and sends suicide bombers to blow up children? How many
pure Muslim women want to live under the rule of the
fundamentalist caliphate that Zarqawi dreams about wherein a
female dog would be safer from abuse than a female human?
That’s enough “Voice of the Caliphate” lowlights for now.
The world has been promised weekly broadcasts from now on,
until, presumably, all Muslim lands have been liberated, and
perhaps even until all lands everywhere else have been
converted. Or until they’re put out of business for good. Until
one of those occurs, it’s going to be all jihadi buncombe all the
time. Pray for success in Iraq because without it, the Middle
East only gets worse and this is what we’ll be putting up with
for a very long time to come.
Like something out of an absurd “Saturday Night Live” skit
designed to elicit belly laughs from a modern, cynically savvy
audience, al-Qaeda recently debuted its first video “newscast”
over the Internet. Funny thing is, it wasn’t actually trying to be
funny. Calling itself the “Voice of the Caliphate,” it featured an
“anchorman” who wore a black ski mask and an ammunition
belt. Near his right hand was a copy of the Koran and there was
a rifle affixed to a tripod pointing at the camera.
In most conventional newscasts such menacing
accouterments and unflattering garb would be no-no’s, but this
broadcast wasn’t being run on the basis of advice from slick
media consultants or focus group research. This was al-Qaeda
(purportedly, we should note), raw and uncensored, reaching
out to the jihadi faithful via the wonders of infidel technology.
Even the folks at Al Jazeera, who have faithfully served as al-
Qaeda’s journalistic apologists, had to be laughing at the
absurdity of this insane broadcast. Despite psychological
defense mechanisms such as denial and cognitive dissonance,
the question simply has to pass through their minds: Can a
culture or a civilization that spawns something this
unintentionally absurd and self-destructive possibly make it in
a modern, globally competitive 21st century world or is it
doomed to extinction as surely as was the dodo bird?
It is truly one of the towering questions of our time. In any
event, broadcasting to the world live via infidel technology, a
new era of broadcast journalism has been born. Let’s look at a
few choice excerpts from the divinely-inspired 16-minute
broadcast.
The Global Media Front presents to you: “Sout Al-Khalifa”
(The Voice of the Caliphate). In the name of Allah, the
merciful, the compassionate. The headlines of this news
summary: Gaza has been liberated -- a great victory, yet a
weighty responsibility. In Iraq, Abu Mus’ab Al-Zarqawi
declares a war of Sunni Vengeance, and Hurricane Katrina is
the beginning of the divine, just punishment.
Apparently, the Voice of the Caliphate isn’t fully clued in to
the journalistic concept of accuracy. A “great victory in
Gaza?” Here’s a more accurate newsflash. The “great victory
in Gaza” was nothing of the sort. Israel wasn’t defeated in
battle or driven out, it simply decided that it wasn’t worth the
trouble to hang on to the contentious, 146-square-mile chunk
of terrorist terrain it had held since the ’67 war. But if al-
Qaeda wants to persist in calling this a “great victory,” then
let’s extrapolate into the future a bit to see how long it might
take to free all Muslim lands from Zionist occupation.
Given that it took 38 years to liberate an area of 146 square
miles (which, to put it into perspective, is roughly one eighth
the size of Rhode Island), then at that rate of liberation the
Golan Heights, the West Bank and, of course, the ultimate prize
of Israel itself, will all be in Arab hands in approximately 2,800
years or thereabouts.
So, while the rest of humanity will have expanded its
scientific knowledge at an exponential rate and in 2,800 years
will be zipping around the galaxy like the Jetsons, the
Flintstonian jihadists will have finally regained control of
about 11,000 square miles of sacred sand, Allah willing. But
anyway, congratulations, guys. We’re all sure you’re going to
do great things with the newly “liberated” Gaza Strip.
In other news:
The entire Islamic world overflowed with joy when
Hurricane Katrina struck in America, which seemed to reel
from the strength of the hurricane . . . Broken and completely
humiliated, George Bush . . . announced his obvious
incapability to deal with the wrath of Allah that visited the
city of homosexuals.
This really gets confusing. Did Allah trash New Orleans in
order to humiliate the Great Satan America, or to humiliate
George Bush for invading a Muslim country, or because New
Orleans is crawling with iniquitous homosexuals, or all of the
above? I didn’t even know New Orleans was the “city of
homosexuals,” did you? I thought it was the city of jazz, Mardi
Gras and Creole cuisine. Granted, no one should be surprised
to see a few flamboyant types sashaying around the French
Quarter, but this appellation of the “city of homosexuals” is
new. Perhaps to al-Qaeda’s way of thinking, any city where
homosexuals live openly without fear of execution is a “city of
homosexuals.”
In other weather related news:
While Louisiana is trying to recover from the aftermath of
Hurricane Katrina, another hurricane fiercely struck the state
of North Carolina . . . but so far there have been no casualties
or significant damage . . . We hope that Allah will humiliate
America with this hurricane to make it a lesson for whoever
wants to listen.
I guess Allah was feeling especially merciful and
compassionate that day since America wasn’t particularly
humiliated. And why not? He’s got all the time in the world to
destroy all the infidels, so what’s the hurry? True believers
must be a patient lot after these 14 centuries of Islam, serene in
the faith that, even though much of the Islamic world
continues to fall further and further behind the rest of
humanity’s progress, it’s all part of Allah’s unfathomable but
glorious plan. Whatever floats their boat.
Turning to news from the front lines:
We now move on to the occupied land, to the land of the
Caliphate, the glorious land of Iraq. The American wolves
have desecrated our women’s honor in Tel’afar and other
Sunni cities . . . The valiant hero, the Emir of Al-Qaeda in
Iraq, Abu Mus’ab Al-Zarqawi, rose to defend the honor of the
pure Muslim women in the robbed land of Iraq.
Is this really what it’s all about for the “valiant hero”
Zarqawi, defending the “honor of the pure Muslim women?”
How many pure Muslim women out there would consider it a
bargain to be under the sway of this psycho who chops off heads
and sends suicide bombers to blow up children? How many
pure Muslim women want to live under the rule of the
fundamentalist caliphate that Zarqawi dreams about wherein a
female dog would be safer from abuse than a female human?
That’s enough “Voice of the Caliphate” lowlights for now.
The world has been promised weekly broadcasts from now on,
until, presumably, all Muslim lands have been liberated, and
perhaps even until all lands everywhere else have been
converted. Or until they’re put out of business for good. Until
one of those occurs, it’s going to be all jihadi buncombe all the
time. Pray for success in Iraq because without it, the Middle
East only gets worse and this is what we’ll be putting up with
for a very long time to come.